There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎