Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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Seems legit
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Not today. 😅
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU