“I took care of your clown problem.”
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About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.