Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
HELP 😭
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad