Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What