Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.