I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea