Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
RT if you could go either way.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
who wants to go expliring
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything