I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey