Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*