“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”