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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too