Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.