I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.