I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.