Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The Joker was right
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.