Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Had an epiphany today.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.