Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
can’t talk my ride’s here
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
BETRAYAL
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish