i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.