Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
the way this pissed me off… 😭
uncle dave has been through hell
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.