not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
We’ve all been there…
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no