I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.