me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
i think we should see other cousins
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.