everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You Might Also Like
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: