heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
This anagram machine is out of order.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Still my favorite headline of all time:
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me