Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You Might Also Like
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?