You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
How to properly lift a body
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops