Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
DOOO EEEET
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.