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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Seas the day!!!!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube