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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.