I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.