Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Autocorrect is my menesis
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣