Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
You Might Also Like
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So glad we cleared that up
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.