My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.