Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Just say no
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!