Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
pat pat
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.