*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.