one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face