I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Friends that check up on you >
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right