I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A leaf blower, but for people.
it be like that
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Goodnight 🐶
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”