Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Fights fire with marshmallows
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Carpe DM
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.