Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You Might Also Like
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.