My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good