*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.