8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
need him
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese