Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines