[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.