“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Sunday
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.