Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey