Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”